it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Best spoiler warning ever
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
stop
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.