batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
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I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Is this a threat?
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony