Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.