I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.