My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?