studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
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WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.