Awesome parenting 😂
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[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch