I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.