2022 will be better than 2021
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Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park