If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
You Might Also Like
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
this could fix me
#winning
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
#Caturday
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest