If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
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7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
m’lady
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?