I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
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My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”