I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
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Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Trumpy Cat
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.