If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
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What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
no cat here
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot