This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
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who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?