I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
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My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.