Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.