Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
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Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.