It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
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Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
A leaf blower, but for people.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to