me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
You Might Also Like
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Cat.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role