Hilarious if literal: arms race
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The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Midwest trash talk
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I will never stop laughing at this