[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
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My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol