[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
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why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts