[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
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Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Animal poetry
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.