The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
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Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
And that about sums it up.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.