Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket