The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Smooooooth
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.