Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
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“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
This came to me in a dream.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.