genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
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Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]