[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
You Might Also Like
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
the simulation is moving too fast
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
“OMGJK” -atheists
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.