[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
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i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.