“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
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Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
#NeverForget
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
car not found
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade