Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
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My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
dads on road-trips be like