You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
You Might Also Like
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing