Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.