Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
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Go girl power!
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword