Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
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3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.