I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
How dude HOW?!
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Single and childfree like Jesus
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.