*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
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Judge: I鈥檓 disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I鈥檓 disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what鈥檚 next?
Sex steak?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let鈥檚 do it together.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn鈥檛 matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it鈥檚 a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don鈥檛 you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn鈥檛 playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 馃And this, kids, is why we don鈥檛 talk to the police without a lawyer present 馃ぃ
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
ME: don鈥檛 involve me in your bullshit
SON: it鈥檚 called homework
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?