wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
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Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.