You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
A couple who are silly together stay together.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.