(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
You Might Also Like
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…