Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
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I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.