[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
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You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.