Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
You Might Also Like
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Breaking news:
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”