There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
This probably isn’t good
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.