In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
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ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence