6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
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Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Would you wear it?
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.