Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
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*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Eat…
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Happy Thanksgiving
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.