One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
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The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.